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Having you was privilege.
Needing you was breathing.
Losing you was…

Having you was needing you was losing you was
Spinning the cylinder was
Open and taste…was
Chasing you was like playing
Russian roulette with a gun where
Someone had loaded the rest of the chambers when
I wasn’t looking; when
It came to be my turn to
Bite the bullet
I bit hard and it
Bit back harder, shattering my
Smitten smile into
Cavity-laden snowflakes so convincing,
The neighborhood children grabbed their
Snowsuits and toboggans for playtime in my wake.
Their parents blame me for
Leading their children astray
With false promises of recreation because
Today’s children may not be taken in by
Artificiality but they’re
Far too accepting of it.

And I’ve grown weary of gumming
Everything I put my mouth to so
I’m cutting new teeth on my only
Photo of you, gnawing at the edges until they’re
So tattered it seems as though
Someone has ripped you from reality;
The reality is my reality is altered
In your absence and
While my teeth have grown back in,
While I am able to chew and swallow again,
Things still don’t quite taste right.
And that gun is sitting on the nightstand,
Hammer cocked; and the fear that someone
Has loaded the rest of the chambers again is
Starting to wear off; it just looks
So damn appetizing.

But I’ve yet to determine if these
Pangs in my stomach are
truly of hunger or
just a fear of not finding
something of substance to
sate these primal tempests
in my gullet the way that
you did.

So I’ll continue my teething
Like privilege
Like breathing
Like nothing has changed
Like we’re both still the same
Like that gun isn’t taunting me
Like the chambers are empty
Like tomorrow will be different
Like Youth is asking its parents to show them what real is
Like real still is
Like real life tastes nothing of gunmetal

And I smile again
A big toothy grin
White as snowflakes
And you’re bitter as I walk away.

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